I, Remus Lupin
by space333
Summary: Lonely, miserable, guilty. That's Lupin. And it's hard to teach Harry at Hogwarts as though nothing in the DoM had ever happened. So hard.
1. Prologue

Hi there! This story will be 15 chapters long; the first one is, hence its title, more like a "prologue". All the other chapters will take place during Harry's sixth year (but no HBP spoilers there).

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to the mighty JKR. I do not make any profit from my stories.

Pairings: none

Rating: PG

Feedback: that would be nice, of course!

Genre: definitely angst

Beta-reader: Rosie! You're the best!

Other: you can read the SAME story from Harry's point of view (it's called "I, Harry Potter" under my author name)

Ok now… on with the story.

**I, Remus Lupin**

**CHAPTER 1  
Prologue  
**

"To suffer is to be alive"

**Hogwarts, Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom. Begining of Harry's third year.**

He was sitting alone at his desk in his now empty classroom. It was the end of the day, the first day of school since the beginning of term, and Remus contemplated the bare wall in front of him. Silently. He didn't move, didn't mutter anything to himself, just stared ahead blankly. He didn't want to get up and walk to the Staff Room, where he was sure to meet Snape; in fact he didn't want to go anywhere. He just needed to think. Alone. Think and maybe, when the time came, find a way to forget.

The shock had been a lot greater and much harder to overcome than he would ever have thought. Seeing Harry was more than seeing the image of James, it meant having to live again every second of the nightmare that had followed that terrible night. Seeing Harry on the train the previous day had reopened the wound that had tried to close over the years. Reopened it, and deepened it.

Remus closed his eyes.

What did I do to deserve this…?

He would never forget the look on Harry's face when he had first set his eyes on him. It was James. With Lily's eyes. Instantly, Remus had felt sick. Sick because Harry had, in an instant, reminded him that he, Remus, was alive, whereas James and Lily were not. Sick because he knew he should have been the one to die in their place, sick because deep inside he knew he was guilty. Now Harry had no parents. What a waste.

And it was his fault.

Well, not entirely.

Not entirely? You could have changed some of it, Remus, you could have avoided James's death.

He was sure he could have influenced James in his choice of Secret Keeper, even proposed himself instead of Sirius.

Thinking of Sirius made him feel even more ill. Never, ever would he have thought Sirius would have gone to Voldemort.

God, Sirius. You knew better than that… You hated the Dark Arts! What's happened to you? What's happened to all of us?

The truth is that you were fooled, weren't you Remus? He fooled you for all these years.

No he didn't.

Yes he did. And you saw none of it!

What should I have done?

Reacted. Found it out. Accused him.

Are you mad? I knew this man. He was my friend.

Really? What do you mean? Are you actually admitting you care about what he's become?

Yes. Of course it matters to me. HE WAS MY FRIEND!

IT DOESN'T MATTER, YOU SHOULD HAVE ACTED BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE!

SHUT UP!

Lupin shook his head almost violently.

He remembered his initial shock after discovering Sirius had betrayed Lily and James. At first, it had been incomprehension that had struck him. Incomprehension, and total disbelief. It had taken him months, years to start believing it, just like everyone else. His mind refused what his eyes saw. But the evidence was there. Slowly, despite himself, he had had to accept. And now he was enraged for having not found it out before, for having trusted Sirius all those years.

Now only he knew that Sirius was an Animagus. Incredibly, he didn't want to reveal it to anyone. Not Dumbledore. Not the Ministry. It was even a fight inside himself, a fight to know whether or not this mattered, whether or not this would make him even more guilty than before.

He also wondered how he was going to get over the idea of having Harry in front of him every lesson. Get an everyday remembrance of what had happened then─ he wasn't sure he wouldn't lose his nerve at some point. It wasn't Harry's fault, of course not. But having to face him during class time, having to set his eyes on Harry for long hours, unable to see anything but him... it was torture. Through him he saw James, through him he saw the Marauders and what they had been… through him he saw everything that had happened. He wasn't sure he was capable of teaching, coldly, distantly, and professionally, as if he was just a teacher teaching a class of third years.

Lupin closed his fists tightly together. He wanted so much to be someone else at the moment, anyone, anywhere… alive, or dead. Better to be dead than to have to dwell on those thoughts over and over again. He wanted to escape his life, his responsibilities, himself.

But he'd always be Remus. Just Remus. Lonely, miserable, depressed. And guilty.

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_A/N: Ok, next chapter will be posted really soon. Of course since I lover reviews it'd be nice if you could leave some!_

_space333_


	2. Not so innocent now

Disclaimer: sadly, I still don't own anything.

Hi again! Ok I promised I'd update soon so here it is. This is where the story truly starts (as I said, the first chapter was more like a prologue). Thanks a lot everyone who reviewed, it means a lot to me! Feedback is always appreciated (see bottom of page).

For those who didn't get it (I know it's confusing), I've posteda similar stories. This one, "I, Remus Lupin", is from Remus's point of view, meaning you get his personal feelings and thoughts on everything that happens. Now, the other one, "I, Harry Potter," is the samething (same events and all) but told from Harry's point of view. It's a parallel story that you can read to get Harry's thoughts and opinions (mostly on Remus, since this story is focused on them both). Anyways I'll let you read now I guess!

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**CHAPTER 2  
Not so innocent now**

**Three years later, during Harry's sixth year. Same place, a day after the beginning of term.**

The classroom looked familiar. Too awfully familiar, maybe. There was the same sunlight, the same bare walls, the same chairs, the same dusty windows.

In fact, Lupin didn't think it had changed at all since the days he'd been a schoolboy sitting in the far right corner of the classroom with Peter, Sirius and James. Just having fun, careless and oblivious to the fate that would strike them only a few years later.

Would he be condemned to dwell on his memories forever, seated there at this same desk?

He had left the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts for two years, but now he was back. Three years before, he'd seen Harry for the first time. Now both their destinies were tied together in this fight against Voldemort.

Three years of suffering had passed. Among them, two during which he'd been reunited with his best friend, true. But what had that accomplished?

Now Sirius was dead.

_If only he was still in Azkaban. That's a horrible thought, but at least he wouldn't be dead._

The weight of guilt was heavier than ever on Remus's shoulders. As if James and Lily's death and everyone else's hadn't been enough sixteen years ago…

And Harry still refused to speak to him. They would probably have a hard time facing each other during class… Remus knew that would bring a very uncomfortable tension, and wished he could avoid teaching him for a while.

Of course, he knew why Harry refused to speak to him. He knew why he hadn't yet forgiven him; why he would probably never forgive him.

Lupin knew he shouldn't have held him back in the Department of Mysteries.

_But I did what was right_

There had been the laugh, and then the jet of light…

His hands shook slightly and he closed his eyes, wishing the vision could go away.

_Yes, I did the right thing. _

Didn't I?

Sirius was falling through the veil. Harry was jumping on his feet, running forward in a desperate attempt to catch him before it was too late…

Yes, he'd done what was right. Harry would have died had he tried to go beyond the veil to save Sirius. He, Lupin, had saved Harry's life…

He had held him back for his own safety. He'd only protected him, and that was all─

_That's a downright lie, Remus. You just want to believe you did what was right. You didn't want to admit Sirius was gone, right? You wanted him to come back, and you only held Harry back for a few seconds because you wanted to believe he'd make it back alone without risking anyone else's life… Or you would have gone there yourself, wouldn't you? _

Of course I would have. I didn't think he was really gone.

Then why were you the one who made Harry face the truth?

Because he had to realize it was no use to go there. Because it was too late. Because I_ was too late._

Remus stood up and walked to the window, taking a glance outside.

There were students chatting on the grounds. What use was it to think about all this now anyway? It wouldn't change anything.

It was hard to remember when the last time he'd been as happy and careless as the students outside had been.

Then the bell rang. Remus tidied up his notes, walked to the door, carefully putting on a blank expression on his face, resting aside his thoughts. He needed to appear as natural as possible. What if he looked a mess? What would the students think? What image of an adult would he give out?

He sighed, took a deep breath, waited for a minute so no one would be late and then opened the door for the sixth years Gryffindors and Ravenclaws to come inside. They were mixed together now since in their sixth years students had chosen what subjects they would keep.

His eyes rested for a quick second on Hermione, who smiled slightly; on Ron, who said hello, and then─

Harry's eyes met him for barely an instant, and Lupin saw all the determination, all the wish for payback in Harry's eyes. It was the look of someone desperate, and that look Lupin would never forget.

_You think I'm not suffering every second either?_ Remus thought. _You think this is easy for me?_

Harry turned away, as he always did since July when in his presence, and went to sit at the back of the class.

"Good afternoon" Lupin closed the door and went to sit back at his desk. He carefully avoided setting his eyes on Harry. "Welcome back for another year. I hope you all managed to get your new books…"

The lesson started and for a whole hour, it was as though Lupin was just a teacher and Harry just a student seated there in class. Lupin showed no emotion, Harry showed no reaction. But inside, both were burning to sprint out as far away as possible from the other, to forget.

Then the bell rang, as a lifesaver.

_If only you'd just talk to me,_ Lupin thought as he saw Harry storm out of the classroom. _Because the longer we wait the harder it'll be._

He did as best as he could to smile as the last students walked out and then, as soon as he was alone again, Lupin's smile vanished. He couldn't help thinking _just twenty-two hours. Just twenty-two hours before I have to see him again._

And it would be like this all year, and maybe even the year after, and the next. That was, if Voldemort didn't show up long before.

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_A/N: I'll try to update quickly again!  
_

Raining Dreams thanks for the compliment, especially since Lupin really is hard to play, like you said. He's one of the characters who has, in my opinion, the most complex feelings. I hope you like what's going to happen next!  
Lola-L-Black: I guess you're going to say 'hurry and post the third chapter' now lol. I'll do it soon, I promise!  
Rebecca Lynch: I think Remus's guilt is quite important (hence everything he thinks about in this chapter); he's the one who survived whereas James, Lily, and Sirius didn't. It must be hard for him!  
Ladyinsaneish: thanks! I'll update asap.  
xpreppyxinxpinkx: don't start crying now (or you're never going to stop) lol. Btw, hope I didn't misspell your name…  
ForeverRain: thanks! Sometimes it's hard to try and think like the characters do, so I'm glad to see that you think I've managed it!  
NarssaSila: Ok I hope what I explained at the top wasn't too confusing… yes, you can read this from Harry's point of view too. Well, the prologue is a bit different (since Harry isn't in the classroom when Lupin's thinking in the first chapter), but everything else will be the same. About having to wait… I dunno… I'll try to update twice a week.  
Bookwormatyourservice: thanks a lot… and don't worry, I'm not about to stop writing.  
Nancy: well if on top of everything else you're listening to depressing songs I can't help you there… lol jk… cheer up!  
Jackhea: ok, I saw your other review too, thanks a lot for reviewing both! I don't know which one I like better, but it's true that the one from Remus's character is more like 'pure angst' since it deals a lot more with his inner thoughts.  
JetGryffins89: thanks a lot; I hope you keep reading!  
Sarah: the spelling and grammar credit goes to Rosie, who beta-read this for me. She's the best!  
Aimee: I've seen your other review too; thanks for taking the time to review both!

hope to see you later!  
space333


	3. Alone

Disclaimer: ok, I still don't own anything… never did… and sadly never will…

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**CHAPTER 3 **

Alone

The next morning, when Lupin got down to reach the Great Hall for breakfast, he heard a dim clamor in a corridor nearby. At first he thought he had misheard; after all, he'd slept bad, the nightmares coming back once again, but then─.

His ears were unmistakably hearing shouts and insults.

_Now what?_ he thought.

Then there was the sound of someone being blasted away by a spell; a couple of gasps, then another body fell…

Changing this direction, Lupin momentarily forgot his worries to investigate the source of the commotion.

Surely, around the corner of the next corridor, Harry and Malfoy were facing each other, each one with their wands raised. Malfoy's nose was bleeding, Harry's hand was scratched, and he was just getting up from the floor. A few students were watching; among them, Ron, Hermione, Crabbe and Goyle.

Lupin's thoughts raced as Malfoy opened his mouth to shout another spell.

_Two blasts. Harry's getting up, he got the second one. _

Meaning he started it.

No. Harry wouldn't have done that─

"Malfoy!" Lupin yelled. Draco's eyes widened with panic as he saw a teacher coming forward, but then an innocent smile formed on his mouth as he lowered his wand.

"Potter attacked me, Professor" he said in an impertinent tone.

Lupin could see Harry's face turning very red from a corner of his eyes.

"That's twenty points from Slytherin, Mr. Malfoy" Lupin said, getting in between the two of them before Harry let his anger out.

"But─" Malfoy's smile vanished. "Potter started it! Why don't you ever take points from _him_?"

Lupin bit his lip.

_Because I can't do that._

Now wasn't the time to show his weakness.

"It is in your best interests to leave now, Mr. Malfoy" he then said menacingly.

Draco turned around, fuming, Crabbe and Goyle imitating him; then he stopped after a couple of steps and turned back to Harry.

"At least I don't need a teacher to watch after me. Teacher's pet─"

"Enough, Malfoy" Lupin spat. "Unless you want more points taken on your behalf. Draco stared at him in the eyes insolently but Lupin didn't reply to the provocation. He waited for him to disappear into another corridor.

"You okay, Harry?" he then managed to ask, though not fully facing him. Instead, he carefully fixed his gaze on Ron and Hermione. But Harry didn't answer; he was apparently trying to control himself.

_Calm down_ Remus thought._ Come on, Harry, I just saved you from getting into trouble after attacking Malfoy there─_

"I don't need your help" Harry said, his voice full of defiance. He was trembling. "I don't _want_ your help."

Then he wheeled around determinedly and went past him. Ron and Hermione looked at each other and then followed him.

"Wait, Harry" Hermione ran after him. Her voice soon vanished into the depths of the castle.

Lupin breathed in deeply, shutting his eyes and leaning against the wall. He didn't care if someone found him there, student or teacher. He didn't care if they saw he was feeling sick; in fact, he didn't care about anything anymore.

It took him an immense effort to get down to the Great Hall. He went to sit at the Staff table beside McGonagall and helped himself to some eggs in a very tired manner. Down the Hall, students were eating breakfast at their tables and preparing themselves for a whole day of lessons.

"Good Morning, Remus" she gave him a slight smile.

He simply nodded back and stared down at his eggs, not really seeing them.

She stared at him uncertainly. "Are you all right?"

_Why is she asking? Is it so evident that I can't teach here anymore?_

"What do you mean?" he chose to reply.

"You look quite─ sick"

_That's because I _am _sick._

"Full moon in two days" he muttered, and she nodded in understanding.

Then things got even worse as Snape showed up for breakfast too. He walked directly to Lupin, who wondered an instant why.

"I heard you witnessed a fight ten minutes ago" Snape hissed, seating himself to his left but not taking anything to eat.

_Great. Exactly what I needed._ Lupin's feeling of nausea increased.

"That's right Severus" he said, putting his fork down in a clatter. He turned to the greasy-haired professor.

"How dare you take points from my house?" Snape went on. "You know Potter started that fight" he growled.

"Malfoy started it."

_That's a lie, Remus. You know perfectly that it was Harry who started it._

"We're going to have a little discussion, you and I," Snape got up quickly, and only then Lupin realized that more and more students were starting to stare at them with interest. Ron and Hermione were muttering together while looking at Snape and he.

Lupin got up with rage and let his heavy chair fall loudly on the floor. Then he followed Snape outside of the Great Hall and into an empty classroom.

_I'll just tell him I have had enough_, Lupin thought as he walked behind Snape. He was calming down._ This is stupid, we're not kids any longer…_

"Severus" Lupin said slowly as soon as the door was closed. He really didn't feel like fighting with another teacher. He was just so tired of it all. So tired. "How about we start acting like grown-ups?"

Snape eyed him as though he was asking for something impossible.

"Don't change the subject" he replied guardedly. "Now I'm asking you, once and for all, to leave Malfoy alone."

"If he leaves Harry alone"

"Harry? _Harry?_ Why not _little baby Harry who I'm looking after _while you're at it!"

"Shut up!"

Snape took a step back and put on a grimace at least as insolent as Malfoy's had been.

"It hurts to hear this, doesn't it, _Remus_? That's the only thing you can do now, isn't it? Look after the only one who's not dead, right?"

Now Remus felt a surge of anger rise back again. And, mixed with it, disgust. At Snape's words. At himself.

"I shall consider that no answer acknowledges the truth then" Snape cut in deeper.

"The time for taking pleasure in insulting me shall end sooner than you think" Lupin's jaw was clenched. "Severus" he added, then turned around and walked out the door.

He wished he could disappear into the ground. It was so hard to see the students climb up the stairs happily, chatting, when he himself felt tears reaching his eyes.

Tomorrow, he'd have to face Harry in class again. As if nothing had ever happened to his parents, as if they didn't know each other personally.

Lupin got back down to the Great Hall, not checking behind to see if Snape was following or not, then took his seat back at the staff table and frowned at his cold eggs. McGonagall had looked upon him when he'd arrived, but not commented. She knew Snape and he still didn't get on along.

Then it was time for the owls to arrive. For a minute, colored wings flew in all directions, delivering mails, packages, etc.

Lupin grabbed the Daily Prophet that was brought every morning at the staff table. He didn't think any student received it; it was way too boring to read if you weren't interested in politics. And Death Eaters had been quiet for weeks. Even the teachers usually left it aside now.

He was precisely looking for an excuse to be left alone; so Lupin opened the paper and stared at it.

There was a bold title that stood out clearly; in fact, it was unusually bold.

At first Lupin froze. Then it felt as though someone had poured a bucket of cold water over his head, and the blood left his cheeks.

His hands started to tremble, and he quickly laid the paper over the table. "Minerva" he muttered. She was halfway into a conversation with Flitwick. "Minerva" he called louder.

With an almost annoyed look she turned to him, staring at his horrified expression with puzzlement. Then she lowered her eyes on the paper, and stared at it in disbelief.

**Death Eater Attack on the Ministry of Magic. Numerous dead; among them, Cornelius Fudge, Minister, Amelia Bones, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Arnold Puiters, Arthur Weasley─**

The list went on and on in a sickening way.

Lupin turned to Mc Gonagall, and Dumbledore arrived in that moment. He walked to them, a note of surprise in his eyes when he saw Mc Gonagall raise terrified eyes to him, grabbed the newspaper, and quickly turned to the staff. "Follow me" he said quietly. Every teacher heard it and got up; most of them not understanding.

Then Dumbledore turned to Mc Gonagall and Lupin. "No words to the students. They'll hear it soon enough".

The teachers left the Great Hall, and Lupin, still frozen, found himself walking behind beside the headmaster.

"Remus" Dumbledore said calmly. "Would you please go down and bring the Weasley children to my office?"

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Moonilicious: yeah, I'll keep it up! Sorry about making you wail like a two year old, you're right, that's seriouslyuncool when you're surrounded with a bunch of people. Anyway, I still hope you keep reading!

Raining Dreams: thanks! But I love Remus's personality so I guess it helps a bit because I'm always trying to wonder what he could be thinking about this or that... I'm glad to hear that I did a good job at it so far.

Chapter 4 coming soon!


	4. The Gryffindor Common Room

_A/N Still there? Thanks! Well I still owe nothing!_

**CHAPTER 4  
The Gryffindor Common Room**

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Remus just hated being the one to deliver bad news. As though receiving it wasn't horrible enough; now he had to be the one telling Ron and Ginny what had happened to their father. And he simply didn't have the heart to announce the tragic events.

_At least Fred, George, and Percy aren't here any longer. That's three less to talk to… _

But that's not the problem, is it, Remus? Telling two of them or twenty, what is horrible is having to say the words, right?

Remus stopped in front of the Common Room. The lessons would be starting in approximately twenty-five minutes, meaning students were either still in their Dormitories or in the Common Room, chatting or finishing some late work…

Lupin didn't really mind going in there. Most teachers were reluctant to enter what they considered the students' sanctuary, but in fact, considering Lupin had spent seven years in Gryffindor, it was understandable that he had become used to this common room. He was more dreading having to speak to Ron or Ginny.

"Well?" asked an irritated Fat Lady. "Are you going to say the password or can I go back to sleep?"

Remus looked up at her tiredly, realizing he had already arrived in front of the portrait. He muttered 'Strawberry Beans', and the Fat Lady stepped aside, revealing a small alcove and, further, the Gryffindor Common Room.

Lupin walked slowly into it, ignoring the remarks of the Fat Lady in his back.

He thought his heart would stop when he saw the couches, the desks, the chairs, the fireplace… Even the windows…

It was as though he was still a student, about to go to class. He could see with his open eyes James and Sirius running around the couches to be the first one to catch the Snitch… now James had caught the Snitch, Sirius was rolling on the floor laughing because he'd thrown over half the desks in his way… and they both tucked a hand in their pockets in unison…

Lupin knew their game perfectly, of course, but so many others didn't… then there were a couple of explosions, and two fireworks set themselves alight, seemingly out of nowhere, making Peter jump as he'd been contemplating a fifth year girl… he himself was bent on a table, pretending to be reading but, in fact, smiling inwardly at the sight of his friends having fun…

There had been no menace then. No worries, no terrible memories. It was as though the word 'sadness' had never been invented. Even being a werewolf during those years seemed almost bearable; because he knew that with such friends around he'd never be alone.

Lupin's heart tightened when he came back to the painful reality. He saw Ginny laughing with a couple of girls sharing her Dormitory. She was so innocent, so young.

And she had no idea that in a moment, bad news would shatter her world.

Another glance around told Lupin all he needed to know. Ron, Hermione ─ and Harry─ were nowhere to be seen.

"Hello Professor," a couple of students saluted him.

His throat was so dry Remus felt he wouldn't be able to reply, so he just nodded curtly. He went past Ginny and her friends to arrive in front of Dean and Seamus, reading a Quidditch Magazine not far away from the window.

"I really like the way he flies" Seamus was showing Dean a player in a bright green Quidditch outfit. "Have you seen him in the last match against─?"

"Can one of you bring me Mr Weasley?" Lupin said quietly, interrupting their conversation.

Dean and Seamus looked up at him, and Lupin saw their eyes widen a little.

"Er─" Semaus started.

"Yeah" Dean said, gesturing at the staircase. "I think he's up there" he said slowly. "I'll go get him" he walked away.

There was a silence between Lupin and Seamus. Now Seamus had laid down the magazine and was biting his lips, not knowing what to say.

"Is he─," he dared ask "I mean, did Ron do something?"

_He's not in trouble, if that's what you mean. _

Well, that's not true, he is _in trouble. He doesn't have a father anymore_.

Lupin shook his head, unable to reply. Seamus seemed even more uncomfortable than before.

Now Remus imagined what he would say to Ron. Maybe a simple _Professor Dumbledore wants to see you_ would be enough. But what then of Ginny? Ron wasn't stupid. Surely he would understand quickly that if his little sister needed to come along then it meant it had something to do with his family─

_You'll have to tell them, Remus. _

No. Dumbledore will do that.

You're going to bring them all the way to the Headmaster's office without answering their questions? In silence, without telling them anything?

…

That's right, Remus.

Lupin drew a chair and took a seat, looking really pale now, even paler than usual, and that only increased the curiosity of everyone staring at him. Some students had interrupted their regular activities to wonder what he was doing here, and they were now muttering in whispers some sentences he couldn't hear.

The morning sunrays lighted the desk in front of Lupin, sending colorful shapes throughout the Common Room. The atmosphere should have appeared calm, relaxed, and serene. But he wasn't feeling any of this. In fact, he was into his thoughts so deeply that his eyes were fixed forward.

So it was going to start again. War. Desolation. Killings. Sacrifices.

Betrayals.

That was the worse of it. Getting up in the morning to be with your family, your friends, and discovering that they were no longer there for you.

Knowing that they had chosen the other side, the enemy's side, because they alone could offer you much more than your daily routine. Strength, hope ─or at least they wanted you to believe in that hope─, thrilling sensations of no limitation, eternity. And power. They attracted you to that power so much. They made you believe it was yours to grab but in fact you would never get it.

For Lupin, the Common Room was nothing more than a calm refuge before the storm which had started already. In a week, the smiles would not be there any longer. There would be anxiety, fear, tears, and desperation. No more careless games, just anxious and constant glances out of the window. Fear at the sight of a wand, at the sound of a spell, at a shadow coming out of the corner of a corridor. Suspicion, muttering, half-spoken conversations. The Daily Prophet would be read again. Students would point at the ones on which fate had struck, on the ones who had lost a family member. Inside of them, they would simply be dreading the future, waiting their turn.

Those would be sure signs that Lord Voldemort had risen again.


	5. Internal Battle

**Disclaimer: None of this is mine.**

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**CHAPTER 5  
Internal Battle**

Meanwhile, Dean was as puzzled as Seamus was. He'd never seen Lupin in the Common Room before. McGonagall had only come once or twice, and even then it had been because of very special circumstances.

There was something else too that gave the impression of being strange. Was it just him or did Lupin seem unusually sick? He'd met his eyes, and he could have sworn they were close to tears. There had been an odd glinting in them. And Lupin had quickly turned away. Maybe he was just very tired?

And why did he want Ron to come down? Had his friend got in trouble or something? Had he forgotten to give back his last essay, or received an awful mark? Or maybe he'd started a fight with Malfoy again?

But then─ why didn't Lupin wait until their next class to speak to him? And why was it Lupin who took care of this anyway? McGonagall was their head of House, wasn't she?

None of this really added up.

Dean reached the top of the stairs, slightly panting, and entered the Dormitory he shared with Harry, Ron, Neville and Seamus. Because they had just got up, there were clothes and books thrown on the beds, and a couple of other objects lying here and there on the night tables.

"Ron?" Dean spotted his fellow Gryffindor friend stuffing his books inside his schoolbag. They were to start their day with an hour of Herbology, followed by double Potions and Transfiguration. Not a very enjoyable morning, in truth.

At first Ron didn't seem to have heard, so Dean called him louder. "Ron! There's─ erm─ there's─ I mean,─"

"What?" Ron looked up, surprised. He gave a quick glance around to see if Dean wasn't warning him that something was about to attack him, then a frown of perplexity formed between his eyebrows when he saw Dean so hesitant to talk.

"What?" he repeated, his hand stopping midway in getting his thick Divination book out of his bag.

Harry walked into the Dormitory in that moment. He gave Dean a quick look, reached his four-poster bed, then quickly turned back to Ron and Dean when he realized they were probably talking about something serious.

"Anything wrong?" he asked Ron, seeing his friend immobile.

"Dean wanted to tell me something," Ron finally reacted. He shrugged, and laid the book he had been holding on his bed.

"It's Professor Lupin," Dean mumbled.

Harry jumped. "What does _he_ want?" he said aggressively, ignoring Ron's reproachful glance. He knew Ron didn't agree with him as to his behavior toward Remus, but again, what did his friend know about it all? What did they, all of them, knew about his feelings? None of them had been there that day in the Department of Mysteries─

"What does Professor Lupin want?" Ron asked with forced calm.

"To see you" Dean said "but I don't know why."

"Who told you that?" Harry asked before he could stop himself, his tone still full of irritation.

"Well I know because─ because he's waiting for you down there" Dean pointed at the staircase.

"In the Common Room?" Ron asked again, clearly unconvinced. Dean simply nodded mutely, so Ron got up and went to the stairs.

Harry made a derisive sound and shrugged but then, his curiosity taking the better of him, followed Ron. Maybe he'd seize the occasion to tell Lupin, once and for all, that he wanted to be left alone.

Remus was imprisoned in a sea of memories and emotions he could not control and even less stop. He wanted the flow of images to stop, because he knew he would eventually turn mad.

He felt that maybe talking to someone might make things better. But who could he possibly find? Years before, there had been Sirius and James there for him; even Peter used to listen to him. And now─now there wasn't anyone left…

Dumbledore would surely pay attention to what he would say. But Lupin didn't feel very much like being comforted by metaphors and philosophical interpretations. McGonagall? Not really. Who else then? Snape?

_No way. You're out of your mind, Remus. _

In truth, there was only one person who could help him, one who would understand his feelings because he shared the same grief. But that one person refused to even talk to him. Harry and he remained separated by an invisible yet insurmountable barrier.

Ron's footsteps drove Lupin out of his contemplation. He got up at once, and waited for Ron to arrive.

Then Lupin gritted his teeth when he saw who was coming along. Harry.

_Just ignore him,_ he thought. _Now is not the time to be distracted. There are bigger things to be taken care of..._

"Mr. Weasley, please follow me," Lupin said as naturally as possible, tucking his hands into the pockets of his long cloak to avoid showing his nervousness.

"What's he done?" Harry cut in shortly, taking a step forward as though to protect Ron.

Lupin couldn't help but stare at him in the eyes. He wanted so much to look somewhere else, but this was beyond his will; it was a power drawing his eyes toward him, forcing him to stare at Harry.

_Tell him. You know there's no way you'll be able to lie anyway, right? _

But─ He's not the one supposed to know. Dumbledore─

Dumbledore is not here, is he? Just go ahead. Maybe if you tell him the truth now it'll make things better between the two of you.

Yes. I'll do that

"There's been─" Lupin started, but stopped abruptly.

"What?" Ron said expectantly.

_Not in front of everyone, Remus! You can't announce to the whole school that there have been numerous deaths! You can't just walk in there and tell Ron that his father's dead in front of nearly every Gryffindor student!_

"Just follow me," he turned to Ron, then in the direction of the rest of the people in the Common Room. "Miss Weasley," he addressed Ginny. "Would you please come along too?"

The girl looked up at him with surprise then dropped the book she was holding on the table. It landed there with a sickening thump which sounded to Lupin as though he'd been slapped in the face.

One of her friends moved aside to let Ginny pass and, stiffly, she came forward. The Common Room had never been so quiet. There weren't even mutters anymore; just many pairs of eyes staring at Lupin, Ron, and now Ginny.

Lupin felt the urge to sprint out of the Common Room; but he knew he better not. Awkwardly, he turned away from Harry and from everyone else.

Then two slightly worried Weasleys followed Lupin out.

"Never happy that one," the Fat Lady complained with annoyance as Lupin asked her politely to open up.. "Make up your mind!"

"I have," Remus silenced her in a dry reply.

The portrait closed and Lupin took the first staircase on the right; it led upstairs on the way to the staff room.

"Professor," Ron said while walking behind with Ginny. "What's going on?"

Lupin didn't reply, and continued to climb the steps, one by one. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left─

_Are you going to ignore them for a long time? _

…

Are you going to─

All right! Just shut up and leave me alone!

Lupin summoned up all his courage.

"There's been an attack," he said quietly, continuing to climb. Left foot, right f─

"Attack?" Ginny and Ron said at the same time, stopping dead in the middle of the stairs.

_Now. There's no one around. Go ahead, tell them. _

No.

Why not?

Because this is too hard─

Coward!

…You know what? You call this what you want. I'm not telling them.

"Professor Dumbledore will explain it better than me."

_Come on, Remus. You didn't _mean_ that. That's not what you wanted to say. You know there's no way around just say it._

Remus stopped too and turned around, standing there in silence, raising his eyes to the ceiling far above.

When he brought them down, they were void, empty, drained. They showed no emotion; or rather, there were full of so many different ones that it seemed impossible to distinguish them from one another. And these emotions were killing him, burying him deep inside the ground, burning him alive.

It took his a great effort to speak, and when he did so, his voice came out choked.

"I'm sorry." His voice was muffled but quite cold, detached. "Your father─" he now sounded far-off, distant. "─is dead."

-

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_A/N: Next chapter coming soon... Thanks a lot for reading._

**Doomed2dorkdum91: **I told you it was angsty lol. Save your tears for later chapters, however, you're going ot need some handkerchiefs!  
**Mooncheese:** Hi! Well Remus is like the always unhappy guy, isn't he? Not that the he's asking for it, I mean, but things sort of happen to him. First being a werewolf, then Lily and James dying, Sirius being sent to Azkaban, Peter being a traitor… then Sirius's death later on… poor Remus indeed. Thanks for the review!  
**Icarus Major**: You find this depressing and yet you ask for more? Well in truth I understand you perfectly; sometimes I read stuff and even though I feel like crying but at the same time I just wish the story was longer… It's just one of these paradoxes!  
**Forever Rain**: Thanks! I hope you like what'll happen next!  
**The Female Nerd:** Keep reading!  
**MidnightDaydream:** Sorry if I killed Arthur, but it was necessary for the plot. As for Harry angsting on Remus… I can't tell you what'll happen next, but I can say, however, that it's not nearly over yet! Thanks a lot for reviewing!


	6. To Dumbledore's Office and Back

Disclaimer: yes, still b-o-r-e-d of saying I don't own anything!

Everyone who left a review: thanks a lot!

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**CHAPTER 6  
To Dumbledore's office and back**

There was a bewildered, thunderstruck silence. For a second, the chatter and footsteps of hundreds of students reaching hundreds of different directions in the castle seemed to belong to another remote, inaccessible world. Lupin knew he was standing there in the middle of the stairs but at the same time, a part of him was somewhere else, far, lost in an ocean of sorrow and pain seizing his throat so tightly that he was unable to move, or even to think.

He saw a note of total confusion in both Ginny and Ron's eyes. Ginny's mouth had fallen slightly, a frown of perplexity on her beautiful face, and though she seemed to have heard the words clearly, she didn't understand them. Ron's expression had frozen, a smile not totally erased on his lips, but he, too seemed incapable of understanding.

_You should never have told them, Remus. No one should ever had told them such a thing. It shouldn't even have happened. _

That's right. Their father shouldn't have died.

It's all wrong anyway.

Still, Ron and Ginny remained without reaction.

Then, abruptly, the impact of Lupin's words hit them both at the same time; Ginny raised both hands to her mouth and Ron took one hand out of the pocket of his cloak, meant to do something Lupin didn't understand ─ take out his wand, or maybe even hit him─ but then changed his mind and let it fall to his side in desperation.

"No" Ginny muttered. "No!" she repeated, vehemently this time.

Ron straightened up, and suddenly grabbed the railing with his right hand. His knuckles quickly turned white because he was gripping on it so hard.

"That's not true," he said testily, raising defiant eyes.

"I'm sorry," Lupin could only mutter softly.

There was a silence.

_Enough, Remus. Let them grieve in peace now. Bring them up and let it be over with. If you were in their place you wouldn't want someone staring at you like this._

"Come on," he said faintly, turning.

"Wait," said Ron, grabbing his sleeve and forgetting for an instant that Lupin was a Professor. "What happened?"

Lupin gently pulled out his arm and surveyed them both. "There was an attack" he weighed on every word, confirming Ron's worse fears.

Ron's eyes darkened and he didn't reply.

"Let's go," Lupin declared as he saw a pair of Slytherins climbing in their direction. The last thing he needed was some trouble with another house.

_You've done it. See, it wasn't that hard─ _

Then why is it affecting me like this? It's as though it was my father who had died, or someone close to me. Like─ like Sirius had died again.

Lupin fought not to stop in the middle of the stairs, resisting the desire to sit on a step and taking his head in his hands.

_Of course it was hard._

That was the problem. Lupin had had too many people announcing to _him_ that one of his friends had died.

Instantly, he remembered all the deaths which he had been informed of─

First, there had been his parents. But Lupin didn't want to think about them; he had grieved so many years for them─ no, he was over with it.

Then there had been a few deaths of people he knew long ago; most of them had been wizards he'd met but whom he didn't truly know, and who had died because of Voldemort's Death Eaters. It was more the fact that many had died rather than the fact that he'd known them personally that had been hard to overcome. Back then, he had had friends to stay with, friends that would make dark times a little more enjoyable.

That was, until Lily and James themselves had died. He would remember, forever, the horrible minute that had followed the discovery of the Potters' deaths. He had waken up in the morning. At home. Grabbed the morning paper delivered to him by a Daily Prophet owl, then paid her, than laid the newspaper on his kitchen table without looking at it. The news could wait. He had poured himself some coffee, calmly, thinking the news of killings and Death Eaters actions and Ministry nonsense could wait.

Then he had sat down and the title had hit him, standing out in bold dark letters he would always remember.

**Wizarding World celebrating The-One-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's downfall.**

First he'd opened his eyes wide in shock, in happiness, not believing it. And then, just then, he'd recognized the burnt and destroyed place shown on the picture on the front page, and quickly scanned the title of the article. It was unmistakably Godric's Hollow─

**The-Boy-Who-Lived, Harry Potter, vanquished the Dark Lord─ both the Potters, his parents, dead─**

Lupin closed his eyes at the memory.

Finally Ron, Ginny and he reached Dumbledore's office. They hadn't exchanged another word; but Ron had seized Ginny's hand tightly, and, in brotherly way, put an arm around her.

"Come in" Dumbledore called as soon as Lupin had knocked. The Headmaster came to them, motioned for Ron and Ginny to seat down in front of his desk, and then came forward to Remus.

"Thank you, Professor Lupin," he said in a low tone. "I'll handle it from here. The lessons are to be assured as usual. We shall discuss this with all the teachers at lunch break."

Lupin nodded and prepared himself to leave. He had a class to teach.

"Oh and─" Dumbledore said again "─no need to remind you to not say a word to the students about it."

_No. No need to remind me._

"Of course, Headmaster," Lupin closed the door behind him, not envying Dumbledore. He had to talk to Ron and Ginny now…

_No need to remind me of anything, thank you_ Lupin thought coldly. _It's all there in my head, every day, every minute, every second. I wish I needed to be reminded of the deaths and the fights because then it would mean I am able to forget about them._

"That's it," Lupin said, relieved. Finally. After four never-ending, interminable hours. He'd never thought he'd ever be as impatient as the students to get out. "End of class" the bell had just rung.

Loudly, his Hufflepuff fourth year class left the classroom. Now Lupin would go to Dumbledore's meeting and get to know, at last, what was happening. It hadn't been easy to teach all morning without knowing what had been going on.

He'd have to do it again in the afternoon but at least he would know what had happened at the Ministry.

_I'm supposed to teach Harry's class this afternoon_ he thought suddenly, cold running down his spine. _They're going to ask me where Ron is… And I'll have to invent an excuse… _

You're going to lie?

_No. Not to Harry. _

Of course you will. He can't know. No more than any other student…

We'll see.

No we won't see.

Yes, WE WILL!

Almost with rage, Lupin walked to the Professors' room.

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Moonilicious: a bit blunt… unh yeah maybe; on the other hand Remus was definitely out of ideas. However I'd have to disagree with you when you say Lupin should have let him follow Sirius behind the veil: how on earth do you think we'd know the end of the series otherwise! Lol  
ForeverRain: thanks! Okay, erm, I don't really know what else to say. I hope you keep enjoying it!  
The Female Nerd: sorry I had to kill Mr Weasley. You're actually making feel bad now, I feel like the most insensitive person on earth!  
Lil red sinner: save your tears for later ;)  
Mizz Moony Lover: I love Lupin too!  
JetGryffins89: makes me think of a quote by JFK: "mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind." Okay, I really don't know why I'm saying this anyway ;) Thanks for all your reviews!


	7. Staff Meeting

_Disclaimer: I don't own HP_

**CHAPTER 7  
Staff meeting  
**

Remus mumbled the password to enter the staff room─ he even wondered how the gargoyle had heard it considering it was nothing more than an unintelligible whisper─ and went in.

Surprisingly, almost every other teacher was already seated there. He hadn't thought he would be among the last ones to arrive, because he'd hurried out of class and walked as quickly as possible.

Mc Gonagall was seated at the far end of the table, alongside Professor Sprout. There was also Snape, who cast him a look that could have frozen water as soon as he entered; the Potions Master was seated on the right. Then, from right to left, Flitwick; Hagrid, who turned and smiled slightly when he saw him; Binns, transparent as ever; then Vector, Trelawney, and finally Sinistra.

Lupin went to sit aside Mc Gonagall, and noticed on the way that she wasn't talking to Professor Sprout as she usually did. In fact, everyone was waiting, abnormally quiet. It lasted for a few minutes; an odd, pretty uncomfortable silence during which they didn't look at each other.

Then Dumbledore arrived, motioned for every teacher to stay seated, and started talking without preamble.

"The hour is grave" he said calmly. "I assume by now you are all aware of what has happened" he didn't wait for them to answer. "Voldemort is back."

Most teachers winced; among them, Lupin saw Snape make a very convulsive gesture of the arm as the name of the Dark Wizard was announced. Personally, he stayed still.

"Now, the safety of all the students at Hogwarts has to be assured" Dumbledore continued. "Therefore, I will assign patrols to each of you in turns, every night. You are to pair up with a school prefect, and if anything unusual seems to be happening you will report it to me immediately. I will give you your watch hours in the evening. Is that clear?"

There was no contestation.

"Very well. Any questions?"

Hesitantly, Mc Gongall straightened her hat. "What of the Weasley children?"

"They are with their family," the Headmaster answered.

_What's _left_ of the their family_ Remus thought dryly.

"Wasn't Weasley a prefect?" Snape hissed. He didn't show the slightest trace of emotion.

Lupin felt like hitting him.

_For god's sake, Snivellus. You could at least show respect, for once in your life. Their father'sdead. _

"Yes, he was," Dumbledore said. "I have thought of Harry Potter to replace him. Temporarily, of course."

That silenced Snape, who tried as best as he could to hide his irritation at the idea. He disliked Ron, but it was nothing compared to his hatred towards Harry.

"Meanwhile, the announcement to the students of the recent events will be made this evening during dinner. No words to them before."

The discussion had been short, and it was over, Lupin could feel it. He was tempted to ask more about the attacks, what exactly had happened, what the Ministry was doing, etc. But if Dumbledore hadn't told them more than he probably wouldn't anyway.

Lupin saw Flitwick and Snape get up, then Mc. Gonagall, Sprout, and every one else. He didn't feel like going down to the Great Hall to have lunch at all. This afternoon, he had Harry's class to teach. And in the evening─ maybe he'd be the first one on patrol. That would be a long day.

Dumbledore was getting back to his office. Lupin quickly crossed the space between them; there was something he needed to do… Something still bothering him…

"Professor Dumbledore?" he asked hesitantly. "Could I have a word?"

Dumbledore eyed him carefully, as though he already had a pretty good idea of what Lupin wanted.

Snape and Mc Gonagall, on the other hand, were both staring at him strangely from the other side of the room. Remus knew it was unusual for a teacher to ask permission to speak privately to Dumbledore, and even more now after the brief announcement, but at the moment, it was the least of his worries.

"Of course," the Headmaster nodded. "Follow me" he started to climb the stairs, and Lupin soon disappeared from Snape's view.

"Have a seat." Dumbledore showed him a beautiful chair in front of his desk as soon as they had entered his office and closed the door. The Headmaster walked behind his desk and waited for him to sit.

Lupin took the chair and sat, feeling suddenly awkward. It was as if he was a child again and needed to say something to someone infinitely wiser and more mature as him; but didn't quite know how to explain it.

"What can I do for you?" Dumbledore gestured for him to talk.

Lupin stayed quiet. Maybe that was foolish after all. Maybe he was being stupid. Dumbledore had probably more urgent matters on his mind with everything that had happened than that…

Yes, that was it. He'd made a mistake in asking to speak to Dumbledore.

"I'm sorry," he started. "I─ I didn't mean to waste your time. I'll just get back down─"

_Stupid, stupid you. Of course you want to talk to him… And what's he going to think now? _

But it's too late, isn't it? You've already apologized…

Lupin meant to get up.

Dumbledore reached out a hand, as though to grab his sleeve.

"Remus, you're not wasting my time. If you have something on your mind, I strongly suggest you say it."

_Remus._ Even years after, it still felt strange being addressed as Remus. For seven years, he'd been Mr Lupin. And now, Remus… from the Headmaster, it gave an uncomfortable feeling, somehow. An odd peculiar sensation.

Dumbledore, with that persuasive voice he had always had, had once again guessed he needed to speak...

Lupin remembered a day when he'd been called to Dumbledore's office in sixth grade. The Headmaster had asked him─ oh, that had been so silly…─ he'd asked him whether it had been Sirius and James and himself who had stolen Snape's whole set of books…

Remus hadn't known back then. He'd stammered like a guilty boy─ but the truth was, he hadn't thought it had been his friends. He hadn't heard about the stolen books, and even though a part of him had strongly suspected Sirius and James had had something to do with it─ he wasn't sure of it, so he had said it wasn't them.

Only weeks after would they tell him about that one.

"Remus," Dumbledore said more quietly. "You know if there's anything I have in my power to help you, I will."

_You know he will, don't you, Remus? You're just sorry you always bother him. He already did much for you… so much…_

"You know the patrols," Remus said brusquely.

Dumbledore didn't answer and eyed him more sharply than ever.

"I have a problem with being─"

"With Harry," Dumbledore finished for him, as if reading his thoughts. "I understand."

_Do you?_ Remus fet like replying, but he restrained himself.

"I shall take care of it." Dumbledore said. "He will be put with another teacher."

Remus sighed. "Thank you, Headmaster."

"If you need anything else─" Dumbledore replied "just come and find me."

He had a note of understanding in his eyes that Remus hated. Of course, it felt good knowing he could count on someone for help, now that he had no more friends to talk to.

But in a way, he didn't like people pitying him. It was simply too hard to bear… seeing in their eyes the pain, the need to protect him, the need to─ was it a need to comfort him?

That was it. They wanted to help.

_Yet they have no idea how it feels like, do they? _

None at all.

NO IDEA!

Maybe he needed to accept Dumbledore's offered hand. Perhaps, just perhaps, things would get better after.

_But the truth is, you can't do that, can you, Remus? You can't resign yourself to accept help, or someone to talk to, or someone to care for you. You simply can't, because you've been hurt too much. _

Yes. The pain is too deep. It will never go away.

And both Dumbledore and you know it.

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The Female Nerd: it's all right I understand a bit of humour ;).  
XPreppyxInxPinkx: thanks sooooo much for the compliments! Are you reading this during your English classes? I guess that's one way to go, but hey I wouldn't want to jeopardize your future! lol. Anyway I know what you mean about studying I'm kind of into it myself; I have about 14 hours of maths a week and 8 or 9 of physics… something like that.  
Moonilicious: well I'm really glad you're still enjoying it! Yeah ok I knew I shouldn't have killed Arthur, now there are all these reviewers crying and telling me what a terrible person I am and all that… lol just joking. And poor Lupin indeed!  
Sword of the Dalmation: Sorry I had to make Arthur die… I think he's a great character, you know, but it was relevant for the plot. Thanks for the review!


	8. Extreme Fury

_I know it's been forever since I last updated... I'm really sorry about that, but I'll finish this story no matter what... so here I am, with two new chapters. Enjoy!_

_JetGriffins89: I hope your finals went well! Thanks for your review, as always :). Sword: who ever said I wouldn't kill Remus? lol we'll see, we'll see... The female Nerd: you have a knack for guessing a lot of things..._

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**CHAPTER 8  
Extreme Fury**

The minutes before Harry's class entered seemed like eternity. Until the bell finally rang, and he had no choice but to open the door for the Gryffindors.

To teach for a whole hour was, in fact, easier than he would have thought. It was mostly a matter of nerves. He forced himself to be indifferent, and suspected Harry did the same on his side.

But things got worse when, an hour later, both Harry and Hermione stayed behind. This would have surprised Lupin on normal times ─ why would Harry want to face him?─ but he had a pretty good idea what they wanted.

It was Hermione who talked, and it seemed Harry was just there as a bystander.

"Professor," she started uneasily.

_True, it mustn't be easy talking calmly when you have someone at your side wishing nothing but to shout and leave the room_, Lupin thought.

He raised his head with an expression of slight surprise. "Yes Hermione?"

"Erm─ do you know─" She shifted uncomfortably on her feet. "I mean… where's Ron?"

_There. Don't pretend you didn't wait for that question._

There was a very uncomfortable silence. Lupin could see Hermione almost regretted having asked the question. But it wasn't her fault if Harry and he had a problem. Of course not.

"Ron─ Ron is not here for the moment," Lupin muttered. There was no need to say it louder, the classroom was empty. And, as his feeling of nausea increased as the minutes passed, he had rather not tell them more firmly.

"Is he─ is he sick?" Hermione tried. She sounded worried, maybe─ maybe nervous as to what his answer might be?

Lupin shook his head. This wasn't getting anywhere. Better he say the truth: he couldn't tell her. Maybe… maybe she would understand and leave.

_Along with Harry._

"I'm sorry, Hermione, I'm─ not authorized to tell you."

He knew it was hard for her to hear that. She, on Harry's contrary, and along with Ron, had talked to him a lot at Grimmauld Place. He wasn't really a teacher anymore to them; just a friend of the family. They had laughed together and played Exploding Snap together and tried a few tricks to play on Ron's brothers, Fred and George, during the summer. Just to show them they weren't the only ones able to prank others…

_That's not the subject, Remus. You just want to avoid facing your responsibilities, don't you? _

No.

Well…

Perhaps I do...

"An announcement will be made this evening," he said apologetically, trying to explain the situation to her. "Dumbledore's orders." He shrugged, and she seemed to know what he meant. However, even if she understood, he saw her face paling. Harry had also frowned despite his apparent will to remain stubbornly quiet.

_This is stupid, Remus, you know that. _

Now they'll think he's dead or something. And you can't blame them for these thoughts, what with everything happening nowadays…

But on the other hand, I really can't tell them…

Look at Hermione's face, Remus! You know she saw you were tired and worried. She knows, and Harry probably does, too, that something has happened… they'll try anything to get the Daily Prophet… and if they find out before this evening… Dumbledore will think this was you who told them…

He needed to make them understand the situation wasn't that bad. Even if it wasn't true…

"Ron's all right," Lupin let out a forced smile. "He's all right" he repeated in an attempt to convince them.

Hermione bit her lip and nodded. "Ok. I guess─ We'll be on our way then. Goodbye, Remus."

"Goodbye," he replied, glad that despite the tension in the room Hermione still called him 'Remus'─ he was really a friend now─ and turned around to walk back to his desk and gather his papers.

Yet he soon realized Harry hadn't moved an inch. Hermione was looking back at him with puzzlement, a couple of feet away.

"Harry─" she said with hesitation, her eyebrows low in a frown "Are you coming?"

To Remus's surprise, Harry opened his mouth to speak. "I want to know where Ron is," he said obstinately, in a low threatening voice.

Hermione looked at him as though she was imploring him to follow her out, then walked toward him and meant to grab his sleeve. "Come on, let's go," she said determinedly.

He pulled his arm away from her grip, and took a step forward to Lupin's desk.

"Tell me what's going on!" his voice was now full of barely concealed anger.

Lupin raised his head and stared at him in the eyes, for probably the first time in weeks. If Harry wanted to play this game, if Harry wanted to pretend they were enemies, then be it. He wouldn't be the one to lose.

"Watch your behaviour there, Potter." His tone was harsh and didn't carry the least trace of sympathy.

Hermione raised her head expectantly at Lupin, not knowing what to do. He motioned for her to leave them alone, with an expression meaning he would handle it.

But would he be able to? Harry was shaking furiously with rage and anger. As soon as the door closed, he pointed a finger at Lupin. "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS CONSIDER YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW EVERYTHING?"

"Harry, don't─" Lupin said, doing his best to make him calm down. He knew he needed to handle this or he'd never be able to teach again.

"YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T CARE IF YOU WERE MY DAD'S FRIEND OR ANYONE ELSE!"

_Quiet down, Harry. Everyone is going to hear us─_

"YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN A MURDERER!"

"LET ME SPEAK!" Remus tried to cut him off, but Harry was so enraged he seemed beyond control.

"YOU WANTED TO MAKE ME─"

_Someone's got to be hearing this,_ Remus thought. _With all the noise we're making, if there's no student outside the class, than a teacher might be passing by─_

And surely, barely half a second later─

The door opened abruptly. Harry fell quiet in an instant.

_Oh, no, _Lupin closed his eyes and took a couple of steps forward, so that he was no longer behind his desk but rather between Harry and the way to the door. _That's got to be the worse thing that could have happened right now─_

"I heard shouting," Severus Snape closed the door silently and walked forward, a malevolent sneer impeccably drawn on his pallid face, his black cloak billowing in his back.

"Severus─" Lupin warned in a whisper.

"Well, well, well," Snape replied, bending aside on his left to see past Lupin, his eyes focusing on Harry and becoming narrower. "Why am I not surprised?" he sneered. "Family reunion?"

_God, make him shut up, _Lupin thought with all his might.

"He's not my family," Harry said coldly, his voice full of bitter resentment. "He never was. And never will be."

It hurt hearing the words. Lupin gritted his teeth and said nothing, enraged inside at the knowledge that Snape had triumphed, that Snape had won.

_You got what you wanted, didn't you, Snivellus? Harry said in front of you that he hated me. You're just horrible, trying to feel better in infuriating others… deepening the wound… _

Now get out. Get out and leave us alone before I accidentally end up strangling you…

"Not your family?" Snape repeated in Harry's direction, insisting on every word to make it sharp like a razor blade, his sneer more pronounced than ever. "Should I remind you, Potter, than this man was your father's best friend? Your _godfather's _best friend too─?"

Lupin wasn't quick enough to retort before Harry did .

"You're no better than he is," Harry muttered and, eying Snape with what Lupin clearly distinguished as disgust, he pushed aside a chair to walk away and closed the door loudly on his way out, leaving a furious Lupin and a somewhat stunned Snape facing each other.


	9. You're tearing my heart

_Chapter 9, as promised. This story will be 14 or 15 chapters long, I think. I hope you likethis oneand feel free to post any comments... I love feedback :)._

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**CHAPTER 9  
You're tearing my heart**

There was a short silence after Harry had banged the door shut, and Snape quickly turned to face Lupin. Remus could have sworn he had glimpsed a note of puzzlement in the Potions teacher's eyes; and Snape being confused, and showing it, meant something.

_You thought you knew everything, did you, Snivellus?_ Remus thought sourly. _If you had had more friends among the Order they would have told you Harry hasn't spoken to me all summer…_

He didn't feel at all like staying there in the classroom with Snape. Just the thought of seeing the greasy haired man in his black cloak about to lecture him like a three year old made him forget everything else; what Harry had just said left his mind momentarily, and he concentrated on how to get out without Snape holding him back.

"If you would please," he muttered, noticing that Snape was now blocking the way to the door.

Snape seemed to hesitate for a second, and for a moment Lupin thought he was about to take out his wand and cast him a nasty spell squarely in the chest. But, to Lupin's surprise, Snape stepped aside.

Lupin walked to the door, averting his eyes as he passed Snape, then pulled it open and stepped outside.

"By the way, Lupin," Snape's voice reached his ears before he was completely out. Lupin listened but didn't look back at Snape. "You're on patrol tonight. You and Malfoy. Dumbledore's instructions."

A muscle in Rmeus's cheek twitched. "And who─" he asked, still not looking at Snape, "Do you have the pleasure to be with?"

Snape didn't reply. A slight smile appeared on the corner of Lupin's mouth. It was barely visible, but it felt good. He knew for sure Snape and Harry were paired together. And if everything else in the world was dreadful and just not right, at least this was something Lupin could call revenge. Snape and Harry together… if he was annoyed to have Malfoy, then at least Snape wouldn't be better off with Harry.

For the rest of the afternoon until dinner, it seemed there was an unspoken tension in the air wherever Lupin went. Whether it was into the corridors or in class, students were looking at him, trying to guess what was going on.

At first he thought with fear that maybe, just maybe they had learned about Harry yelling at him? If not, why did he feel their eyes on his back all the time?

But in fact, it appeared that the news of Ron and Ginny's precipitated departure had travelled fast; that, and the sudden exit of the teachers from the Great during breakfast. If only a few had noticed, they had quickly put two and two together, and told everyone who would listen that there was a link there with Lupin walking in the Gryffindor Common Room shortly after.

He avoided going to the staff room until he was forced to at the end of the day; he knew there it was worse than anywhere else: whispers and worried looks and sighs and edginess…

"Good evening," Dumbledore said as they had all sat down in the Great Hall half an hour later. Silence fell instantly in a deep, heavy, uncomfortable atmosphere.

Lupin, seated once again beside McGonagall, saw her shift awkwardly in her chair. Dumbledore was directly on his left, standing, meaning he couldn't see the expression on his face.

But Lupin had known Dumbledore for a long time now. And he couldn't help noticing the slight, barely detectable trace of anxiety in the headmaster's voice, which on the outside sounded perfectly controlled and balanced. It was unnerving to think of the powerful wizard as an old man uncertain of the future. On the outside, Dumbledore needed to show his strength. On the inside, few, but among them Lupin, knew that the headmaster was unsure of what to do, and just as tired and exhausted as everyone else…

_You're just human like me…_ Lupin closed his eyes. He could feel his heart beating furiously. _But you're the greatest wizard in the world, Albus. For christ's sake… If you're afraid, then the rest of us has better be scared to death as to what's happening right now_.

Dumbledore's first words were merely an introduction. He had news to announce to them all; he wanted them to listen to him the entire way through, and not interrupt him, etc.

Lupin opened his eyes and scanned the Great Hall. Four tables listening eagerly. Hundreds of students wondering what was going on. Hundreds of pairs of eyes going from Dumbledore to their closest neighbours; glances, nervousness, apprehension, convulsive gestures every next word pronounced by the headmaster.

_Let it be over with. Just say it and end it before someone bursts out with impatience…_

"Yesterday evening," Dumbledore finally reached the critical point, "The Ministry of Magic was attacked."

Lupin stared ahead. A wave of murmurs was rising from the crowd of students. Frowns, some gasps. Many clenched their teeth, swore inwardly, felt like banging their heads in the walls because they couldn't do anything about it, because they were just students who had to get through what happened every day in the world, because they knew they might be the next ones to be attacked.

"This is just a confirmation that Voldemort is back," the Headmaster continued. "As for the casualties─" everyone held their breaths, "─as you will all learn it anyway, I feel it right to tell you that Arthur Weasley left us along with Cornelius Fudge and several other men and women dedicated to our cause."

Remus couldn't help but look in Harry's direction. Hermione was seated beside him and had a hand over a mouth. And Harry─

For a slight second something odd happened. Their eyes met and for an instant, just an infinitely short instant, it was as though nothing had ever happened. They were both seated on opposite sides of the Hall, and yet there was no distance between them. They were both side by side, sharing the same grief, helping each other in getting through it all. They were close again, they were friends, and without words one understood what the other felt because he felt it too…

Then Harry's gaze became colder, way more distant. And the next second, he turned away with an expression of fury on his face. At Lupin, and maybe at himself.

_God, Harry. Don't do this. Please don't do it. _

Please.

Not right now.

Not when I need you and you need me more than anything else in the world...

Lupin sighed deeply, giving Dumbledore his full attention again. The Headmaster was still speaking, hands stretched-out to make everyone quiet down.

"To ensure security at Hogwarts, night patrols will start from this evening on. Curfew will be at ten every evening. Students not in their Common Rooms or Dormitory by then will have to answer to their Heads of Houses. The patrols will require Prefects to meet teachers in front of the staff room right after dinner. During Ronald Weasley's absence, Harry Potter is to replace him. And until further announcements─ I have nothing more to say than have a good dinner."

Dumbledore sat down and food appeared on the tables; but it took a while before anyone moved or talked or did anything else than stare blankly at each other. Finally, students and teachers alike unenthusiastically filled their plates.

Lupin knew he must eat but really didn't feel like it. He helped himself to some pork chops─ in fact, the only thing that looked like it wouldn't make him throw up─ but quickly stopped eating. Dumbledore didn't stay long and rose up, getting back to his Office, and left an empty seat on Remus's left, making it seem even more like it was hopeless. Dumbledore's simple presence usually provided a feeling of safety; now that he was gone, they were alone.

_Time to go meet Prefects upstairs, _Lupin eventually got up with the other teachers. Only a few students hadn't finished eating here and there, and Lupin saw them talking in low voices, giving small glances to the staff table from time to time. Harry and Hermione were nowhere to be seen; they were probably upstairs waiting by now.

_Let's go. Gather some courage…_

The night was far from being over. And even if it was, Remus saw no bright perspective of better days ahead. The day after, or the next, or the next, there was no hope there. Nothing but gloomy hours, news of killings, news of uneven fights against Dark Wizards, with students crying in the corridors because they had lost their parents, their brothers and sisters, their friends. Nothing but worn out teachers, worried past anything imaginable, walking in the corridors mechanically, their thoughts somewhere far away.

Nothing but furious glances from Harry than made him feel even more guilty about it all than he felt already. The kind of looks that made him hate himself for who and what he was, the sort of desperate glances of anger that destroyed him, that killed him slowly, that made him wish he was dead already.


	10. Payback

**Disclaimer:** all JK's...

**A/N:** I know it's been forever, but I don't want to leave this story unfinished... so here it goes! I'll still update the parallel story from Harry's point of view. Thank you for all your support and kind words, they really mean a lot.

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**CHAPTER 10  
Payback**

WhenLupin reached the top of the stairs leading to the staff room, nearly everyone was there already. Most teachers had chosen to remain outside the Professor's room while waiting for everyone to arrive; and Prefects were standing a little away from them, paired by houses.

The Hufflepuff and the Ravenclaw prefects were talking together in low voices; not mixing with them, Malfoy and Parkinson stood farther away, staring. There was slight sneer on Malfoy's face that meant quite clearly that he had rather remain alone than take part in their conversation.

Hermione and Harry were nowhere to be seen.

It didn't cross Lupin's mind that they might not come− no, Hermione was too serious not to show up. Besides, he had a feeling they were ready to do anything to help Dumbledore in ensuring security at Hogwarts, especially now that they had learned about what had happened at the Ministry.

So where were they?

The door between the gargoyles opened suddenly and Dumbledore motioned for them all to enter. Lupin couldn't help but observe him for a while. His greying beard was as impeccable as ever and the half-moon spectacles were straight on his nose. He walked with assurance and determination. There was no trace of hesitation in the way he took measured steps, or in the way he turned around before the teachers followed him inside.

But there was still something in his eyes that stood out that evening; something Lupin couldn't help noticing, though he wished he hadn't. There was alsosomething dark and maybe even a bit desperate in the way he walked, something Lupin had never seen before.

Well, actually, he _had _seen it before. And that was the problem.

The face had grown older; the expression on his face wiser. But the note in the eyes was the exact same as long ago, in darker times. More than fifteen years before. A mixture of deep anxiety, tiredness; a silent wish for it all to be over, for the world to rest in peace.

Teachers sat, one after the other, and Prefects did the same. When the last ones drew a chair, Harry and Hermione arrived.

Hermione's face was puffy− she had probably cried. Harry seemed exhausted. Silently, Hermione went to sit beside Lupin− there weren't many chairs left now− and Harry sat on her right, thus two seats away from Remus. He didn't even glance at him.

As soon as they were all there, the door closed and Dumbledore started talking. "You all are aware of what is going on," he crossed his arms in front of him. "Now it is getting late and I do not wish to hold you long. The Patrols start tonight."

There were a few nods around the table; but most of themremained still. None of them really wanted to hear this, none of them wanted these additional hours of work. They would only add tiredness and stress to the regular, already exhausting days.

"Each Prefect will be paired with a teacher. To ensure each of you some comfortable sleep, there will be three shifts per night, thus making every watch no longer than three to four hours." Dumbledore paused for a while and looked at some parchments he had in front of him.

"Tonight: Harry Potter and Professor Snape will have the first watch. Professor Lupin and Draco Malfoy, you have the second. As for the third, it will be Professors Flitwick and Fawcet."

Lupin glanced sideways to Malfoy. Draco shot him a dark glance, then turned to Harry and looked at him with disgust.

_That's right, Draco. You're going with me. _

Snape gets to have Harry.

Lupin couldn't help despising the Slytherin boy. He knew he had no right to− as a teacher, he had to be fair and neutral. Impartiality was a duty. But Malfoy had such a way of infuriating him… always trying to provoke everyone…

He gave Dumbledore his full attention again. The Headmaster was giving them the Patrol schedule for the week. "Any questions?" he finished.

No one moved.

"Very well. You shall report to the Staff Room at the beginning of all patrols," he was talking to the Prefects now. "The first one starts in twenty minutes− you can go and warn you classmates you will be leaving at night from time to time." The Headmaster gathered his parchments, gave a tiny nod to conclude it all, and wheeled around.

It was a while before Lupin stood up. He didn't have to wonder why he was only on patrol tonight, and never later in the week− other teachers had to take two, if not three shifts this week.

But the next day, he would be way too tired for that.

Tomorrow was the full moon.

_Great_ he thought. _Things are really getting better__−_

"Lupin," he heard his name called and only then did he realize, once finding himself staring at Snape's greasy face, that everybody else had left the table.

"What?" Remus said without thinking.

A frown formed on Snape's face; as if he were clearly unhappy about something.

_Snape wants to be addressed as 'sir',_ the thought crossed Lupin's mind. He guessed it were Fred and George who had told him that back at Grimmauld place and grimaced at the thought of being back there− an everyday remembrance of Sirius…

But that wasn't the question. Snape had started talking again.

"You see, I suppose you are no more thrilled at the idea of working with Malfoy than I am to work with Potter."

Lupin's eyes narrowed. Did Snape mean what he thought he meant? Was that a proposition to exchange Prefects?

"What do you say we find a compromise?" Snape's face was inches from his own now.

_No that's too easy…_

Lupin almost started panicking. He knew Snape wanted to trade students because he strongly disliked Harry; but there was more to it. It was a trap.

_You just want to know what's going on between Harry and me, don't you? _

So what are you going to answer, Remusr?

If he told him he agreed with the exchange, Snape wouldn't know about Harry hating him. But that would mean patrolling with Harry…

And if he refused to trade, Snape would know… And he didn't want that… whatever the cost, he had to avoid giving Snape this private bit of information.

"I suppose Professor Dumbledore has his reasons for pairing us up the way he did," Remus simply replied, avoiding a direct answer.

"Is that a refusal?"

"It just means I see no point in trading," Remus stated.

Snape's expression became colder than ever. He was furious. "Does he have reasons, too−" he whispered malevolently, "For not giving you other shifts this week, Lupin?"

_I don't care if you've noticed… _

But just stop right there, Snivellus.

One more word and I swear I'll_−_

"Or maybe−" Snape went on "It has something to do with the fact that you will be occupied with something else?"

_Shut up,_ cold started running down Lupin's spine. Cold, and also something else that rose through him. Anger. Hatred. And, above all, a raw wish for payback.

"Oh, it's the full moon tomorrow, isn't it?"

_JUST SHUT UP!_

Yes, that was it, payback. All these years, Snape had looked down on him, Snape had hurt him. With comments, gestures, irritating words here and there. With looks that told clearly Lupin was nothing more than a monster, when Lupin had had nothing to do with the way he'd been treated by his classmates at school.

True, Lupin had never stood up for him. But he had never put him down either. And Snape had been annoying, infuriating, terribly provocative and downright horrible to him.

This time he was going too far.

For a second, amemory crossed Lupin's mind.

It had been at Grimmauld place the year before. Arthur Weasley had taken him apart that evening, telling him he needed to talk. Ron's father had walked in the kitchen during the day, along with the entire Weasley family, only to find Snape and Sirius facing each other, wands raised, ready to strike…

Arthur had wanted to know if Sirius would control himself, because he feared the hatred between Sirius and Snape was a threat to the good work of the Order. Lupin had assured him Sirius would behave, just to reassure him.

_But you knew he wouldn't, right, Remus? _

Of course I knew. That's how Sirius was. Reckless, uncontrolled, irresponsible and immature. Easily angered, foolish and arrogant.

But who cared? He was proud. That's the way he had always been, that's the way he had been our friend, that's the way we wanted him to stay.

HE WAS PROUD!

Now Arthur was dead, Sirius was dead.

And Sirius hadn't finished dealing with Snape. It was the only thing Remus could think about.

He would have his revenge. For all of them who had lost their lives fighting what was probably a lost cause.

Slowly, very slowly, Remus's right hand moved down to his pocket. Never leaving Snape's eyes, he gained inch after inch with a perfectly disinterested expression, as though Snape's words had not the slightest effect on him until, at last, the tip of his fingers met his wand.

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